50 Shades of Prettier Woman

Double Toasted recently ripped Kevin Smith’s Yoga Hosers on a premise that very much speaks to how I feel about 50 Shades Darker. In the DT review, they lamented that Smith could still get shit made into a movie, which crowded out other filmmakers that actually had good stories to tell. The same can be said for author E L James. Her writing is so bad and yet her books were so successful that she crowds out talented (but unproven) writers.

In what should be the shortest paragraph of this review, let’s talk about what this sequel to 2015’s 50 Shades of Grey got right. The cast all showed up this time. One of my biggest gripes about the first film was Jamie Dornan, who displayed the acting chops of a rotting log. (It wasn’t until watching The Fall that I realized Dornan was actually a great actor.) Dorman and costar Dakota Johnson have much better chemistry this time around, and they make the best with what they’re given.

Unfortunately, what they’re given isn’t much. Much of the first movie’s success is thanks to director Sam Taylor-Johnson and writer Kelly Marcel, who ditched James’ dreck and cobbled together a decent story. A gold-plated dog turd is still a dog turd, so the saying goes. At least Taylor-Johnson, Johnson, and Marcel made sure it was a sweet-smelling gold-plated dog turd.

So naturally, James and Taylor-Johnson squabbled, and neither Taylor-Johnson nor Marcel returned for the sequel. 50 Shades Darker suffers as a result. James thought it was a good idea to have husband Niall Leonard write the screenplay to both 50 Shades Darker and the upcoming 50 Shades Freed.

What the audience ends up getting is a very pretty softcore porno the likes of which Cinemax can only dream of producing. The writing is awful and approaches The Room-like levels of incoherency at times. This is especially true when introducing new characters. You know how I know that E L James loves Spider-Man 3? Because 50 Shades Darker gives us not one, not two, but three new villains: sleazy book editor Jack (Eric Johnson), S&M MILF Elina (a wasted Kim Basinger) and suicidal submissive stalker Leila (Bella Heathcote). Had the movie dropped two of these characters and focused on one, we might have had a salvageable plot. Instead, the film meanders. Ana and Christian work on their relationship and have lots of sex. Their reconciliation is occasionally interrupted by left-field moments of tension and drama A stronger writer could have focused solely on the characters’ inner tension. Then again, a stronger writer could have taken criticism and not fought with the director.

With my expectations somewhere in the basement, I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the two 50 Shades movies. I do; however, see so much wasted potential. Taken together, the movies are nearly four hours long, which is easily a half-hour longer than they need to be. If James was a mature enough writer to accept editing and criticism, the book trilogy would have gone through a half-dozen productive edits and resulted in something a lot tighter. Instead we get something mediocre. I get the feeling that James brought on veteran director James Foley as a yes man. His directing displays none of the intensity he showed on previous projects like 1992’s Glengarry Glen Ross.

It’s clear that everyone on this film is trying their best. Dakota Johnson continues her amazing attempt to bring three dimensions to Anastasia Steele. Danny Elfman turns in a decent score. The filming locations are nicely shot. While the helicopter scene features a laughable amount of CGI, the rest of the film looks good. My biggest complaint is the writing. Nuggets abound in 50 Shades Darker, gems that hint at what the movie could have been with a little more polish. And yet, for every gem there’s a line like “kinky fuckery” or a scene like Anastasia rifling through her file that serves as a reminder of how awful the writing is. The next time anyone asks what good editors are for, let this movie serve as an example of what happens without a good editor.

50 Shades Darker tl;drs

Quick summary: Reconnecting with Bella Anastasia Steele is Edward Cullen’s Christian Grey’s main goal in life. But they don’t get to live happily ever after once they’ve reunited. They’ll have to deal with helicopter crashes, Spider-Man 3 rules when it comes to villains (more is better), and the costume designer’s inability to put on a garter belt set properly.

Too many writers? How about the wrong writers? E L James’ husband Niall Leonard wrote the screenplay, putting him too close to the source materials, which makes him unable to objectively critique the writing.

Recommended if you like: Rooting for Cinemax to finally make a big-budget softcore porno.

Better than I expected? Props to Jamie Dornan for not phoning it in this time.

Worse than I hoped? Remember “kinky fuckery”? When Charles Dance said it out loud and we laughed and laughed and laughed? That line made it into the goddamn movie.

How about a reboot? No, but I think a Machete edit would produce a single, intense thriller.

Verdict: Don’t. Just don’t.

Related Reading: Wiki article

Rotten Tomatoes reviews (10% as of this writing)

Box Office Mojo (where the movie made back its budget opening weekend)