Nurse: Movies Should Not Be Based on Photography
I’m a big fan of B-movies, as my reviews of gems such as The Human Centipede would attest. But My B-movies have to have some redeeming quality: interesting cinematography, strong writing, or an acting performance that rises above the material. Sadly, Nurse (originally released as Nurse 3-D) contains none of those aforementioned qualities. It’s blandly shot, horribly written, and hampered by the wooden performance of its star actor. Thankfully, it’s only 84 minutes long, which means the pain is over quickly.
Based on the photography concepts of Tim Palen (Lionsgate’s chief marketing officer), Paz de la Huerta stars as Abby Russel. By day Abby works as a nurse, but by night she preys on cheating men, killing them in the most gruesome ways imaginable. When the new crop of nurses starts work, Abby takes Danni (30 Rock’s Katrina Bowden) under her wing. Danni soon finds herself in Abby’s crosshairs; however, as Abby is mentally deranged and starts gunning for everyone Danni loves.
Nurse was the fourth full-length movie directed by Doug Aarniokoski, who had until then mostly worked as an assistant director with occasional forays as a headliner (such as the awful Highlander: Endgame). Aarniokoski previously worked with bigger-name directors, such as Robert Rodriguez (Spy Kids) and Terry Gilliam (Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas) only he doesn’t direct like he’s learned anything from those other directors. The color palette is uninspired and hyper-saturated, and the whole film has a voiceover narrated by Paz de la Huerta, who sounds like she’s narrating a nature documentary instead of a horror film.
One wonders if de la Huerta’s bad acting is separate from the abysmal script, but the writing didn’t help. Nurse is filled with every cliche we thought would be put to bed after Cabin in the Woods, right down to the death order of the character archetypes (the Slut is the first to die, the Jock, Brain, and Fool’s death order doesn’t matter; the Virgin is left for last). Nothing about Nurse is original, from its plot (a woman out for revenge against cheating men) to its plot twists (the woman is an escaped mental patient).
How bad is the writing? Consider the first line: “My name is Abigail Russell. I look like a slut.” I almost quit the movie right there, because I knew it wasn’t going to get any better. And it doesn’t. Everything from the trailer (NSFW) to the publicity images (also NSFW) makes it perfectly clear: Nurse is a film written by boys for boys. For a film that passes the Bechtel Test (barely), the female characters are little more than stereotypes who spend more time out of their uniforms than in them. It’s interesting that none of the 27 reviews on Rotten Tomatoes or Metacritic were written by women. Sure, B-movies are campy and exploitative by nature. But there’s something about Nurse that feels very cheap in its exploitation, whether its putting Kathleen Turner in the trailer when she’s in the movie for exactly one scene, or dressing the nurses up in outfits that’s be more at home in an X-rated movie than a real hospital.
Speaking of Kathleen Turner, she deserves to be in better movies. So does Katrina Bowden, who’s been excellent in other horror flicks, like Tucker and Dale vs. Evil. While I’ve not seen anything else Paz de la Huerta has been in, I might argue she deserved the flat writing. While every other actor makes an effort to chew on the hilariously bad lines, de la Huerta mopes her way through the scenery. Her acting is flat and she can’t give Abby the the level of maniacal twisted humor the role demands. In the hands of another actress (Rose McGowan, maybe) Nurse might have been a better movie.
Then again, maybe not. With so many things wrong, I doubt a simple actor change would have saved this film. Time for the director to go back to the JV squad; he’s out of his depth in the big leagues.
Nurse tl;drs
Quick summary: When two dudes decide to turn a studio head’s photography hobby into a male-gaze T&A flick, they desperately try to land Dita von Tesse. They hire several up-and-coming actors (Katrina Bowden, Corbin Bleu) who need exposure and a few veteran actors (Kathleen Turner, Judd Nelson) for credibility. When von Tesse backs out of the project, the director hires Paz de la Huerta, fires both her acting and wardrobe coaches, and films the results.
Too many writers? I have never watched another movie that screamed THIS WAS WRITTEN BY TWO DUDES more than Nurse.
Recommended if you like: the more titillating parts of Hostel II, minus the directorial skill.
Better than I expected? Two writers managed to follow every horror-movie cliche beat-by-beat, so I could follow the movie while playing on my cell phone and ignoring the computer screen.
Worse than I hoped? Every actor in this film deserved better.
Should it be rebooted? No.
Verdict: There’s better, campier and B-movier B-movies out there; Nurse isn’t worth your time.
Related Reading: The photography of Tim Palen, on which Nurse was based.
