Batman and Robin
“I always apologize for Batman and Robin.”
Batman and Robin. The movie that sat at the top of my personal list of worst movies ever from 1997 until 2015, when it was dethroned by The Room. The movie that killed Alicia Silverstone’s career, demoted Chris O’Donnell to TV work, and forced Joel Schumacher to work with Nicholas Cage on the snuff-thriller 8MM to regain his credibility. Despite Netflix promising to remove Batman and Robin from its streaming service in February 2015, as of August 2015 it was still there, and I like a masochistic fool watched it…again. Partly because I am a masochistic fool, but also because I wanted to see if the film was truly as horrible as I remembered. Some movies have improved with age and time and I was willing to give Batman and Robin a chance. After all, the movie does feature a 1997-era A-list cast and was directed by the man responsible for both The Lost Boys and Falling Down.
What could go wrong?
Where to begin…
Let’s start with that A-list cast. George Clooney, still playing Dr. McDreamy on ER, takes the Batman reigns from an underwhelming Val Kilmer. Chris O’Donnell, back as Robin. Arnold Schwarzenegger, not yet a governor, nor a parody of himself, as Mr. Freeze. Uma Thurman, three years after her turn in Pulp Fiction, as Poison Ivy. Alicia Silverstone as Batgirl. There’s enough talent in this all-above-the-title-billing cast to power a thousand Adam Sandler films, yet it’s all gone to waste here. To their credit, Thurman and Schwarzenegger ham it up as much as possible: her by channeling Mae West and him by lending his voice to the worst one liners ever set to paper. The good guys aren’t so lucky. Batman’s dialogue is bland and forgettable, Robin spends the movie shouting his lines like a 50s noir actor and Batgirl mostly stands around and gives lip service to female empowerment.
I harp a lot on the dialogue, so let’s talk about the writing for a bit. Akiva Goldsman was brought back on the strength (?) of his screenplay for Batman Forever. I hope Warner Bros. got him for cheap, because the script for Batman and Robin could have been written by a team of third-graders and I wouldn’t notice the difference. Consider Batman’s entrance:
“Hi Freeze. I’m Batman.”
Riveting. That Goldsman is penning the upcoming Transformers 5 should come as a surprise to no one.
But Goldsman wasn’t the only person brought back fro
m Batman Forever. Alongside series stalwarts like Commissioner Gordon (Pat Hingle) and Alfred (the late Michael Gough) we find Joel Schumacher, the auteur brought in to move away from Tim Burton’s goth vision of the first two Batman movies. Move away he did; Schumacher’s Gotham City seems less lit by neon and more bathed in it. While I’m not 100% certain of this, I swear I heard an Adam West-esque Kapow! during one of the fight scenes. In 1997, I would have gladly paid good money for Tim Burton to swoop back in and save the day, if only to make my eyes stop bleeding from Schumacher’s overuse of neon lighting. Thankfully, Christopher Nolan understood what no one wanted to admit at the time: we need our Batman dark and broody.
And this is the big takeaway: Joel Schumacher wanted to make a movie that harkened more toward the look and feel of the comics. While intentional, it was a gamble that failed miserably. Batman and Robin feels like a cross between the campy Adam West Batman series and Inspector Gadget. While a lot of attention 
gets paid to the nipples on the Batsuit, other equally ludicrous touches fail to get a mention, such as the Batskates, the Bat pocket lasers or the Bat credit card. (“Never leave home without it”? Seriously???) Scenes begin and end with no real transition between them, meaning the tone goes from full-on madcap comic-book violence to heavy at the drop of a hat (when the movie tries to moralize by giving Alfred an seemingly incurable disease). Clooney could have been a decent Batman with the right script; however, Schwarzenegger and Silverstone are badly miscast. (Patrick Stewart was considered for the role, until Schumacher decided Schwarzenegger would be a more convincing molecular biologist. Let that sink in for a moment.) Movie ProTip: bringing Alicia Silverstone into your franchise late in the game is sometimes not the best idea, be it Batman or Scooby-Doo.
Moral of the story? I’d say the failure of Batman and Robin and subsequent success of Nolan’s Batman trilogy (not to mention the previous success of Batman: the Animated Series) shows that audiences like our Batmen dark. This bodes well for Ben Affleck; if his Caped Crusader is half as gloomy as Christian Bale or Kevin Conroy, I think he’ll do ok.
tl;drs
Quick summary: Batman and Robin try to save Gotham City from Mr. Freeze on steroids, Mae West, a luchador, various generic bad guys, neon, and Coolio. Oh and there’s stuff about family tacked on for morals.
Too many writers? Shockingly no. While a mess of a movie like Batman and Robin is usually the tell-tale failure of a cadre of writers, it took just one writer, Akiva Goldsman, to create this mess. Goldsman has since failed upward, writing screenplays to Lost in Space, I, Robot, The Da Vinci Code, Angels and Demons, I am Legend, and Transformers 5. Honestly, I am in awe of how one writer can churn out so much dreck and still find work.
Recommended if you like: Puns. Really that’s it. If you like puns, this is the movie for you.
Better than I expected? I still like Uma Thurman’s performance, which is suitably campy. I also appreciate Arnold a bit more this time around. He hams up every scene, which is appropriate given the dialogue he was given.
Worse than I hoped? Is it ok to say “everything”? Ok then, everything.
Would it work better in a different medium? Joel Schumacher thought people were tired of dark and broody Batman. It took Christopher Nolan to come along and blow that theory out of the water. I’m happy we’re getting more moody, broody Batman in Dawn of Justice.
Verdict: While still better than The Room, Batman and Robin has firmly cemented its place as #2 on my list of Worst Movies Ever.
Related Reading: Wiki article
