That Seems Really Unlike You

That Seems Really Unlike You: AKA – The way Unbowed Unbent Unbroken SHOULD have happened

Like many people watching Game of Thrones, I am less than impressed with Sansa’s Season 5 arc, both as an adaptation and as a story in of itself. After spending enough time saying “And they could have done this, and that, and etc.” I decided to write down some of those ideas. It got a little out of hand.

[SCENE: LITTLEFINGER and SANSA are hanging out in the Vale]
LITTLEFINGER: hey, i have a rad plan where you go home to Winterfell and rule the North
LITTLEFINGER: it involves marrying this dude Ramsey
SANSA: uh
LITTLEFINGER: he seems cool
SANSA: ok, creepy surrogate daduncle, i’m sure you know best
[BRIENNE and PODRICK are at the Bloody Gate]
BRIENNE: hey fuckos let me in, i’m looking for a Stark
GUARD: u wat
BRIENNE: seriously i am not in the mood, i just got kicked in the crotch by a dude in full armor
GUARD: that must have hurt, dude
BRIENNE: oh that fucking does it

[Fights happen, Brienne is subdued by numbers]

GUARD: hey boss there’s a crazy lady looking for Starks, should we execute her
LITTLEFINGER: wow, what a completely unexpected and crazy situation! i’m glad i’m taking advantage of this now and not just stumbling into her eating dinner in a tavern
LITTLEFINGER: that’d be really unlike me

[BRIENNE and POD are dragged in front of LITTLEFINGER]

LITTLEFINGER: follow my lead, kid
LITTLEFINGER: hey, you looking for Starks? i got one
BRIENNE: Sansa, come with me, your mom told me to protect you
SANSA: uh
SANSA: no?
LITTLEFINGER: tell you what though, you can hang out with us and be her bodyguard, i have no problems with that
BRIENNE: ugh, okay, i guess that works
BRIENNE: totes gonna get you away from this creeper first chance i get though
LITTLEFINGER: she seems cool
PODRICK: i’m a squire!
LITTLFINGER: hey don’t you owe me money? sex money?
BRIENNE: while we’re on this roadtrip, i should exposit about how much i hate Stannis
BRIENNE: just in case it’s relevant later
SANSA: nice exposition, thanks
[TEAM SANSA arrives at Winterfell, to be greeted by THE BOLTON FAMILY. Also there are some generic NORTHERN LORDS rallying to greet their new overlord.]

ROOSE: hey everyone, meet my son
RAMSAY: eyooooooooooooo nice faces you got on the fronts of your heads hope nothing happens to them
ROOSE: and my wife
WALDA: hey Sansa, delightful to meet you, we must share tea and discuss how my family chopped your brother’s dumb head off and put his dog’s head on his neck
ROOSE: welcome to winterfell
ROOSE: heh wait this is YOUR home, that’s weird, isn’t it? funny old world
SANSA: uh
LITTLEFINGER: they seem cool
SANSA: which one am i marrying
[LITTLEFINGER is hanging out with his mook, a guy named LOTHOR BRUNE, who exists]
LITTLEFINGER: hey Lothor, something seems…less than cool
LITTLEFINGER: you should talk to the servants here and see what’s up with this Ramsey kid, i don’t know shit about him and it would be really unlike me not to do my homework
LOTHOR BRUNE, WHO EXISTS: you got it boss

WINTERFELL SERVANTS: [unending chorus of screams and whimpers]
LOTHOR BRUNE: uh, boss, about that
LITTLEFINGER: holy shit Sansa they do NOT seem cool at all, i was way off
LITTLEFINGER: listen i got this letter saying i need to head back to King’s Landing
LITTLEFINGER: do you want to bail on this whole thing, come with me, and do some brainstorming? because it’d be REALLY unlike me not to come up with another plan
SANSA: actually, i uh
SANSA: i’m gonna stick around
LITTLEFINGER: that seems
LITTLEFINGER: not cool
SANSA: this is my home, daduncle
SANSA: and it’s full of weirdos, and i’m gonna do something about it
LITTLEFINGER: i guess you know what you’re doing, and you do have that huge lady
LITTLEFINGER: good luck, daughterniececrush
SANSA: what was that last one
LITTLEFINGER: peace

[LITTLEFINGER and LOTHOR BRUNE leave to do whatever he’s doing in the rest of this season]
BRIENNE: fuck this is garbage and these people are awful
BRIENNE: Sansa let’s roll i’m taking you out of here, try and stop me
SANSA: you know i heard Stannis is on his way here
SANSA: like, to fight. that seems like something you might be interested in
BRIENNE: aw damnit so much! okay Pod, unpack the horses, we’re staying
PODRICK: there’s a brothel, right
[MYRANDA comes to SANSA’s chambers]
MYRANDA: hi Sansa!!!! i’m your new maid!!!
SANSA: oh hi
MYRANDA: by the way been bangin Ramsay so if you have any questions let me know
SANSA: uh
MYRANDA: he really likes it when you
MYRANDA: you know what i’ll show you, it’s in the kennels

[They go to the kennels, where REEK is lying in his own filth]

SANSA: jesus CHRIST
REEK: 🙁 🙁 🙁
MYRANDA: just thought i’d let you know!!!! kisses!!!!!!
ROOSE: when are you crazy kids going to be married anyway, ho ho, i am expressing jollity
ROOSE: but seriously, let’s get you hitched
SANSA: well don’t you think that we should wait until we can get more northern lords to show up
SANSA: i mean this IS kind of important
NORTHERN LORDS: totally, you need way more anonymous bearded dudes at this wedding if you’re going to convince us to support you against Stannis
ROOSE: aw heck, sure, it’s no less contrived than that birthmark shit down in King’s Landing
WALDA: birthmark? you know, your mom had a birthmark, Sansa!
WALDA: i saw it when we dumped her body in the river
ROOSE: isn’t this a lovely dinner party
WALDA: not as lovely as the one where we murdered Sansa’s family and friends, am i right
RAMSAY: haaaaaaaaaaaaaa murder, hilarious
SANSA: pass the salt please
WALDA: also i’m pregnant!
RAMSAY:
WALDA: with a boy! that’s why i’m wearing this fancy new necklace which the camera is lingering on for a second!
ROOSE: i’m gonna be a dad again, don’t murder this one Ramsey!
ROOSE: everyone is laughing like that was a joke but i am completely serious
RAMSAY:
RAMSAY:
WALDA: isn’t that great?
RAMSAY: sorry hold i’m trying to do the thing where my face shows happiness, usually i need way more blood for that
SANSA: do you mean a smile?
RAMSAY: aw honey you know so much good stuff
WINTERFELL SERVANTS: lady Sansa, let us know if you need anything
SERVANTS: like, anything including convenient murders
SERVANTS: the north remembers
WYMAN MANDERLY, SOMEWHERE: yeeeaaaaah booooyyyyyyyyyyyeeeee
SANSA: yeah actually there’s one thing

[A WINTERFELL SERVANT lifts WALDA’s necklace]

FAT WALDA: honey have you seen my new necklace
ROOSE: does that seem like something i’m emotionally capable of caring about
[MYRANDA and RAMSAY are hanging out in a murder chamber, probably having weird sex]
MYRANDA: can’t believe you’re marrying her
RAMSAY: can’t believe you still have a face on the front of your head
MYRANDA: i thought we had something
RAMSAY: me too, that something was faces
RAMSAY: and yet when i look i see a bloody skull waiting to be born
MYRANDA: wow okay be that way
RAMSAY: it is literally the only way i know how to be
MYRANDA: guess i’m gonna go make her life shitty then
RAMSAY: lol get in line
MYRANDA: hi Sansa!!!! how’s it going?!!! do you want a tour of the spot where Reek hung your brothers’ burned-up bodies?!!!!!
SANSA: hi Myranda you’ve been such a good maid, wanted to give you a present
MYRANDA: i…
SANSA: it’s this sweet necklace i had
MYRANDA: AW WOW
MYRANDA: I THINK YOU’RE JUST BRIBING ME TO STOP MY EMOTIONAL TORTURE BUT I LOVE ME SOME BLING, SO I’LL JUST TAKE THIS AND GO
WALDA: honey, why is your son’s murder-sidepiece wearing my necklace
ROOSE: no idea
ROOSE: Ramsey, fix this before i am forced to care about it
RAMSAY: aw myranda, why you gotta wear my stepmom’s necklace right under your warm pink face
WALDA: you gotta take care of this, she can’t steal my crap
MYRANDA: wait Sansa gave it to me
RAMSAY: that seems implausible
MYRANDA: SHE GAVE IT TO ME, SHE’S BEING CLEVER AND TRYING TO DRIVE US APART
SANSA: [sad trauma face]
RAMSAY: clever and manipulative? that seems really unlike her
RAMSAY: anyway, we’re off to the murder chamber, toodles
MYRANDA: fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

[Exit RAMSAY and MYRANDA, the latter permanently]

SANSA: i don’t remember winterfell having a murder chamber
WALDA: well, i remember you having a mom and a dad and some siblings, yet here we are
[something unspeakable happens in the murder chamber]

SANSA: oh my god this is terrible, look what Ramsey did to her
SANSA: i did this, i’m a monster
REEK: wow i guess it’s hard to predict the consequences of your actions when you’re in over your head huh
SANSA: yeah it really is
SANSA: wait
SANSA: oh fuck you Theon get out
REEK: sorry
[The camera lingers in such a way as to indicate that Theon sort of had a point]
BRIENNE: hey uh Lady Stark i feel like this place is fucking with you
SANSA: i feel like YOUR FACE is fucking with me
BRIENNE: that was unnecessary
SANSA: yeah well
SANSA:
BRIENNE: i’m just saying my offer to take you outta here still stands
BRIENNE: (i can probably come back and kill Stannis later)
SANSA: this is my home, you’re not taking me anywhere
SANSA: you know what, just go to the winter town, get out of the castle, you’re useless to me
BRIENNE: hey that’s
SANSA: just like you were useless to my mom, who is dead
BRIENNE:
BRIENNE:
BRIENNE: 🙁

[BRIENNE goes to the winter town to sulk]
SANSA: well
SANSA: i guess i’m a monster now
SANSA: game fucking on

[DARK SANSA is summoned]
[SANSA visits RAMSAY in the murder chamber]
SANSA: hey honey
SANSA: …uh why is Theon in here
RAMSAY: HIS NAME IS REEK
SANSA: jesus christ okay my bad, but why is he…anywhere
RAMSAY: important reasons, what do you want
SANSA: I was just kinda thinking
SANSA: it was fucked up of your stepmom to make you kill Myranda, i mean, she was my maid too
RAMSAY: yeah well what’re you gonna do
SANSA: i was also just kinda thinking, what’s gonna happen when she has a son
SANSA: will you still be heir to the Dreadfort or
SANSA:
SANSA: okay maybe i shouldn’t ask you about that sorry i’m gonna run now
RAMSAY: ugh, that girl, so inconsiderate
RAMSAY: not like i haven’t been thinking about that for days
RAMSAY: you know what, maybe i SHOULD do something about that, it’s not like i have impulse control or anything
RAMSAY: am i right Reek
REEK: [incoherent slobbering]
RAMSAY: thanks bro knew i could count on you
[RAMSAY murders WALDA in a plausibly deniable way, possibly by pushing her off a rampart, cause a Frey falling off a rampart at Winterfell sounds familiar]
[This is MODERATELY FRIDGEY, but Freys must die always and Walda has been established as a nearby Frey so I am rolling with it]
ROOSE: what the actual fuck
RAMSAY: YEAH WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK WHO DID THIS
ROOSE:
ROOSE: okay come on do you actually think i didn’t know you did this
RAMSAY: ha ha what are you talking about, dad, you old jokester
NORTHERN LORDS: this seems like a messed up situation and our faith in your ability to replace Ned Stark is waning
ROOSE: i’ll give you a million dollars if you can identify what house you’re a member of
LORDS:
LORDS:
LORDS: Glovumbermont?
ROOSE: get out of my sight
SANSA: am i a bad person
REEK: no i don’t think so
SANSA: WHY ARE YOU IN MY ROOM THEON
REEK: …because you keep calling me Theon
SANSA: I LIKE REEK BETTER BECAUSE HE DIDN’T MURDER MY BROTHERS, GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE
REEK: okay 🙁
[STANNIS FINALLY GETS WITHIN SHOUTING DISTANCE OF WINTERFELL]
BRIENNE: ha ha yesssssssssssssssssssssss SHOWTIME
[STANNIS SETTLES DOWN FOR A SIEGE]
BRIENNE: ah balls
RAMSAY: hey dad, I was thinking, while we’re under siege, i should finally get married
ROOSE: well i guess it’s not the wedding we wanted to do but it’d be a good way to consolidate things here before we all start fighting
NORTHERN LORDS: we agree, we’ll definitely feel better if we’re fighting for a Stark, no matter how obviously manipulated the situation is
SANSA: i uh
ROOSE: plus as soon as you get Sansa pregnant and i have a grandbaby i can finally fucking murder you and still have an heir to Winterfell
RAMSAY: sorry dad, didn’t hear that, was working on this which-cut-of-meat-is-this-part-of-the-cow type diagram of your face
SANSA: are we sure about this
ROOSE: let’s do it, mazel tov you crazy kids

[SANSA and RAMSAY get married, it is full of foreboding]

RAMSAY: yaaaayyyy finally i have so much good stuff to show you, wifey
RAMSAY: let’s go to the murder chamber
SANSA: seriously when did we build one of those
WINTERFELL SERVANTS: oh no poor Sansa
SERVANTS: if only there was someone who could help her
REEK:
REEK: why is the camera looking at me
SANSA: wow
SANSA: it turns out that no matter how good you are at manipulating people and staying ahead of situations, sometimes people are just too awful and circumstances are just too crazy
SANSA: i’m glad that theme was communicated without something really heavy-handed, repetitive, and hard to watch happening to me
RAMSAY: ~~~I’m waiting in the honeymoon suuuuuuiiiiiiiiiiite~~~
SANSA: …oh yeah
[REEK finds BRIENNE sharpening her sword and waiting for STANNIS to finally attack]
REEK: hey lady
BRIENNE: holy fuck who are you you smell awful
REEK: yeah i know sorry, but hey, you’re the one who’s protecting Sansa right
BRIENNE: you mispronounced “Killing Stannis”
REEK: …okay listen, my boss is about to uh
REEK: consummate his wedding with her
REEK: and it’s going to be real bad, please don’t ask me how i know
BRIENNE: shit fuck damnit
BRIENNE: if i do something about this i lose my chance to kill Stannis
PODRICK: yeah, but why would you choose revenge over upholding the vows of knighthood
BRIENNE: you’re right, Pod, that’d be really unlike me
BRIENNE: thanks, let’s do this
POD: no problem
POD: …should i be wearing pants for this
SANSA: nope okay nope can’t do this nope nope nope
RAMSAY: [awfulness]
SANSA: FUUUUUUUUUUUU
[SANSA hits RAMSEY with a candlestick or something]
RAMSAY: heh, that’s definitely on my kink list, c’mere
[BRIENNE kicks down the door of the honeymoon murder suite]
BRIENNE: BRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNE OF TAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRTH
RAMSAY: so weird threesome? or

[BRIENNE either cold kills RAMSEY or just knocks him down for a bit, whatever works better for the Battle of Winterfell]
BRIENNE: let’s roll
SANSA: i have zero problems with this plan right now
[Crazy fight scene in which BRIENNE fights her way to the stables, with the help of the WINTERFELL SERVANTS and possibly some sympathetic NORTHERN LORDS if there’s enough time for that. POD helps out but takes a mortal wound to keep this show’s body count up and also cause he’s really running out of plot relevance]
BRIENNE: aw Pod no, little buddy
PODRICK: at least i died fighting like a true knight
BRIENNE: yeah you sure did
POD: a true, humble knight
POD: with a big-ass dick
BRIENNE: what
POD: okay, i ain’t all that humble
[REEK is waiting at the stables with horses]
SANSA: i am so conflicted about this but i have learned a lot about making compromises and also about the depths to which people can sink in a shitty situation
SANSA: so i’m going to withhold judgment until i can reflect on everything
BRIENNE: nice work stinky
BRIENNE: what’s your name anyway
REEK: ….Theon Greyjoy
[CROWD GOES WILD]
[TEAM SANSA escapes into STANNIS’s encampment where there are a ton of dramatic possibilities. ROOSE is left with chaos in Winterfell, his son either dead or completely bloodthirsting out, and no leverage over the NORTHERN LORDS]

ROOSE:
ROOSE:
ROOSE: i wonder if it’s too late to become a Frost Dracula

[The season closes with THE BATTLE OF WINTERFELL and whatever happens there]
This certainly isn’t perfect, for a multitude of reasons. But it came out of an hour of gtalk conversations, and 45 minutes of writing, so…I’m pretty comfortable with that.