50 Shades of Pretty Woman

Pre-tl;dr: Yea this movie is bad, but with a few tweaks it could have been good. Even so, it isn’t the painful-to-watch monstrosity the source material would have you believe.

You’ve seen this movie before.

The high-powered businessman who sweeps the girl off her feet? Pretty Woman. The trick with the ice cube? Lifted straight from 9 1/2 Weeks. A main character named Grey? Secretary did it first. Christian Grey’s (Jamie Dorman) long glassy stare? He graduated from the Keannu Reeves school of method acting.

More to the point, you’ve probably seen a version of this movie in your mind. Sure, it probably didn’t involve a Red Room of Pain, but maybe it involved giving up control in other ways. Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) doesn’t spend the majority of the movie blindfolded and handcuffed, as many religious organizations boycotting this movie may lead you to believe. She gives up control more financially than sexually, allowing the hotshot billionaire to buy her things and fly her places. Hell, the Beatles were singing about winning a woman’s heart by showering her with trinkets back in 1963.

Here’s the thing: this film is derivative. It’s Avatar, but with sex. Unoriginality makes sense; the book did start out as Twilight fan fiction. There isn’t a single original idea throughout the movie. But, as the old saying goes: “Nail together two things no one has ever nailed together before and some idiot will buy it.” What E.L. James nailed together was the swept-away feeling of Pretty Woman with the bad-boy danger of 9 1/2 Weeks. And 100 million people bought it.

But is the film any good? If you’re one of those people swayed by my opinion, my opinion is this: it’s okay. The movie is beautifully shot, and there are long tracking shots of Seattle (but not Portland; Vancouver BC won the film rights over my adopted hometown, which makes me a bit sad). I caught a glimpse of the Mt. Saint Helens park at a critical scene, which kept me from paying attention to what Grey and Steele were saying. Just as well; the dialog is laughable throughout. Between the pretty scenery, well-done lighting, and gorgeous actors, I could watch this movie on mute and enjoy it just as well.

Given how laughable the dialog is in the book (confession time: I haven’t read it), this is one of the few movies I’m glad the author didn’t adapt her own screenplay. All credit here to writer Kelly Marcel, who tightened the movie throughout. The 50 Shades series was never going to win any Oscars, but by cutting out the more ludicrous book passages, Marcel lifts the book up to something watchable.

I walked into the movie theater expecting to squirm and writhe through 2 hours of bad movie making. I watched the movie in the VIP section, a strong Manhattan in hand, strictly to steel myself (no pun intended) against the (figurative) pain. Thankfully, while the movie was bad, it was nowhere near as awful as I was expecting. Given the negative criticism surrounding the book, I’d say everyone involved turned out the best adaptation they could.

Think of 50 Shades as a kinkier version of Watchmen: sure it’s unfilmable, but Zack Snyder gave us the best version we were ever going to get. Unlike Atlas Shrugged, Part II, I’d look forward to seeing the next installment of the trilogy. If only to find out what happens next.

Other tl;drs

Blank is a blanker version of blank: 50 Shades of Grey is a cinematic blending of Pretty Woman, 9 1/2 Weeks, Secretary, and the awkward interview scenes from Kink.com.
Screen credits over/under: Under. Given the source material, Kelly Marcel turned a lump of coal into a diamond.
Recommended if you like: Campy (but high production) softcore porn.
Better than I expected: The entire movie, almost. I had low expectations.
Worse than I hoped: They couldn’t film the Portland scenes in Portland? Vancouver, why you always want to steal our thunder?
Verdict: While not an Oscar contender, neither is it a Razzie contender. It’s decent in its indecency, which is the best I could have hoped for.