Mars Attacks! …but No One Cares

As far as cold openers go, you can’t go wring with a stampede of flaming cattle. The first few minutes of Tim Burton’s Mars Attacks! greatly impressed high-school aged me, when I first saw the film back in 1996. Fast forward to 2014 and middle-aged me catches something I missed the first time around: the redneck farmer asking his Asian neighbor “Are you having a Filipino Thanksgiving?”

Ahhh, casual Nineties racism.

Middle-aged me has never been happy with Tim Burton, whether it’s rebooting schlocky movies, rebooting movies that don’t need rebooting, or rebooting beloved children’s classics. One would think that Mars Attacks! would still be an enjoyable movie, with its A-list ensemble and nary a Johnny Depp or Helena Bohnam Carter to be found. Sadly this is not the case. Rather than elicit great performances from his all-star cast, Burton merely accepts it when nearly everyone phones it in. Glen Close? Shrill. Natalie Portman? Generic. Jack Nicholson? Not even the inspired casting of him as the President of the United States can save him from putting in a lackluster performance.

Who gets the blame, when so much talent goes to waste? One could look at the script, with its reported 12 rewrites. Blame the budget? Sure; while Burton wanted $200 million to make a parody to 50s sic-fi movies, Warner Brothers would only give him a paltry $60 million. Art direction? The film is very pretty to look at, even if set pieces feel artificial. Sound? It’s Danny Elfman; you with like him or you don’t.

There’s something bigger as well, which has to do with the nature of alien invasion movies. The idea of bipedal Martians with oversized brains was just as anachronistic in 1996 as it is today. For the past 30 years, audiences have been seen depictions of aliens that are shocking, horrifying, or mirrors of ourselves. The idea of a Martian that looks like they were depicted in Burton’s movie is so ludicrous I can’t suspend my disbelief enough to enjoy the movie. Here was Burton’s error: 1950s Martians were metaphors as much as they were anything else; standing in for Cold War fears. By the time 1996 came around the Cold War was over and our fears had moved on, leaving no room for the parody that was Mars Attacks!. It’s one thing to update a 1950s invasion movie for the times (as done to even mixed results in The Day the Earth Stood Still) and another to recreate these fears with no nod to audiences’ current state of mind. By being unrelatable to modern audiences, Burton’s movie was destined to fail. It bombed on release and hasn’t improved with age.

tl;drs

Blank is a blanker version of blank: Mars Attacks! is a more painful attempt to recreate Cold-War fears than the 2008 Keanu Reeves vehicle The Day the Earth Stood Still.

Screen credits over/under: Over. Sure there was only one credited screenwriter, but 12 rewrites is never a good sign.

Recommended if you like: ensemble casts; Jack Black’s pre-fame roles.

Better than I expected: Still dig the Danny Elfman score.

Worse than I hoped: Everything else; from the fake-looking sets to the wasted talent on display (Pam Grier, Michael J. Fox, et al.)

Mars Attacks! would work better as a(n): bubble-gum card set. On second thought, it should have stayed that way.

Verdict: If you’re a die-hard Burton fan, only include if you’re having a movie marathon; otherwise save yourself the time.

Bonus? Sarah Jessica Parker’s head on the body of a chihuahua: