Jumper Doesn’t Make Me Jump for Joy

Today, we check in on Hayden Christensen’s career to see if he’s learned how to act. Spoiler alert: Not yet.

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace pretty much killed Jake Lloyd’s acting career before it had ever really begun. In hindsight, this isn’t much of a surprise. The new Star Wars were a hot mess, and Episode I is so monumentally bad that some critics recommend skipping it altogether during a Star Wars marathon. In an alternate reality where the Episode I doesn’t have a 57% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes, Jake Lloyd could have become the next Daniel Radcliffe, using the success of his role as a young Anakin Skywalker to springboard into stardom. Instead, he retired from acting altogether in 2005, a mere 6 years and 14 credits into his burgeoning career. I imagine he avoids costume parties and cringes every time someone makes the light saber noise around him.

Despite his wooden performance as pre-Darth Vader Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars Episodes II and III, movies that belie their Rotten Tomatoes scores (80% for Revenge of the Sith?), Hayden Christensen lives in this alternate reality, and continues to act at a moderate pace. I went into Jumper only knowing that Hayden Christensen can teleport. This much I gathered from the ads I’d caught back in 2008 upon its initial release. Having the opportunity to sit down and check it out, I figured the movie was worth a shot. Besides, I figured Christensen would have learned some new acting tricks in the three years between Episode III and Jumper.  While he may have, sadly, he didn’t display any of his new talents in this movie.

Jumper’s plot is simple. Christensen plays David, the eponymous jumper who can teleport from one location to another. Christensen’s Star Wars partner-in-crime, Samuel L. Jackson, plays Roland, the head of the Paladins, a religious group sworn to destroy all teleporters. (They believe only God should have the ability to teleport, and enforce that belief with high-voltage whips straight out of Iron Man 2.) Jumper is based on a 1992 novel by Steven Gould, and the screen writers seemingly replaced every interesting part of the book with the worst Hollywood stereotypes imaginable. It’s like the writers went to TVTropes.org and checked as many boxes as they could. Consider, Jumper features:

✔ Loser Protagonist (Christensen)

✔ White Hair, Black Heart (Jackson, acting through his wig)

✔ Religion of Evil (Jackson’s henchmen army)

✔ Aloof Ally (Jamie Bell, who is curiously cast as the Thing in the Fantastic Four reboot, despite having Michael Cera’s build)

✔ PG Explosives (technically PG-13, but still gore-free)

✔ Girl Next Door (Rachel Bilson, who mostly stands around and does what she’s told)

If i follow you blindly around the world, will you introduce me to Ewan McGregor? I like his Obi-Wan beard.

This last part bugs me the most about the movie (and trust me, there’s a lot I find disturbing about this movie). Rachel Bilson’s Millie is so passive she might as well wear a feeding tube. Throughout the film, Christensen’s David stalks her, orders her around, refuses to explain any of his actions, puts her in danger, and is generally responsible for tearing her house down, yet throughout she only puts up the slightest amount of a fight. I didn’t find Christensen’s actions heroic; I found them creepy and sad. Even if the lead character wasn’t played by someone who makes Keanu Reeves look animated, I wouldn’t be rooting for this guy. Having blown their budget by shooting in 20 different countries, the writers apparently neglected to realize that it takes more than ninety minutes of James Bondesque opening sequences to make a good movie. Jumper is not a good movie. It’s not so bad it’s good, although be fair, it’s not so bad it’s awful. It’s mostly mediocre and sad. On the one hand, I  expected more than token storytelling. Then again, maybe the phrase “starring Hayden Christensen” should have tipped me off. Shame on me.

Tl;drs

Blank is a blanker version of blank: Jumper is a more stylized version of a National Geographic issue.

Screen credits over/under: Over. Jumper is credited to four writers, including original novelist Steven Gould and David S. Goyer, whose work here is more Blade II than Batman Begins.

Recommended if you like: Knowing what kind of wig Samuel L. Jackson wears in each of his movies.

Better than I expected: The second act was interesting enough I put down my phone long enough to pay attention.

Worse than I hoped: The horrible gender stereotyping. It’s 2014; can we stop making movies about Sensitive Weaklings and the Women Who Follow Them Blindly?

Jumper would work better as a(n): Kitty Pryde origin story.

Verdict: Want a stand-alone sci-fi action flick that isn’t connected to any current franchise? Ignore Jumper and watch Push instead.