ClnlGentleman and the dangers of lava
The first night ClnlGentleman huddled in the groove he had hewn out of the bare earth with the sticks he’d collected. The soft moans of the dead kept him awake through the night, watching in horror as bits of dirt drifted down toward him when the zombies and skeletons shambled over his hiding place.
The second night he had crude walls of cobbled together stone to protect him. The wooden planks of the floor were cold and hard, but they felt soft with the relief of safety. He couldn’t bring himself to sleep in the crude bed he’d fashioned. The wool of the cushion was still crimson with the blood of the sheep he’d beaten to death with his bare hands. It’s panicked bleating haunted his dreams.
By nightfall on the third day, ClnlGentleman had a sword of cold stone and was garbed in rough black iron. The armor was a gift from a local landowner, Rando Calrissian. He had not forged it, but still it made him feel strong. When darkness crept out from the trees of the jungles and the dark crevasses in the ground, ClnlGentleman did not stop his work. His sword tasted of rotten flesh and bone that night, but when dawn came he stood over a field of fresh wheat, where once a great mound of dirt had squatted.
With the sun riding high on the fourth day, ClnlGentleman descended into the black earth in search of ores and treasures. He explored twisting passages and shadowed caves, and when his way was barred he rent the stone asunder with his pickaxe. And yet the earth in its agony fought back! Multitudes of tiny poisonous spiders poured from the cracks in the walls, trying to overwhelm him. But he persevered, and when he left those cold tombs, his pack was heavy with iron and gems.
On the fifth day he journeyed through the great jungle to the west until he arrived at a black mountain, blistering with heat and molten red rock. He had heard that those who dwelt on this mountain had built a wondrous machine that could pulverize his ore into dust, to allow for a more pure metal. When he arrived in their black basalt fortress they showed him this contraption and the amazing engine that powered it, and he was awestruck with their ingenuity. And as he abided there for a time, the inhabitants Caochail and Spock00000 produced their tools and forged for ClnlGentleman many pieces of astounding technology beyond his understanding.
As he left the fortress, new machines whirring and rattling in his pack, ClnlGentleman stood atop the mountain and watched the great squids and jelly cubes roam the edges of the swamp below. He felt proud of his accomplishments, and the tools he now carried spoke of a bright future. The promise of tomorrow beckoned to him, and as he watched the sun set over the water and foliage, he turned his eyes to the clouds and wondered if someday he would sail among them on a great flying contraption. And then he turned, took a single step, and plunged down a long hole into lava, incinerating himself and everything he owned.
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Obviously I finally got into Minecraft this weekend with my roommates. It was a lot of fun, but there are some things you should know about before you play.
1. Don’t touch the lava.
2. Play with friends. It’s way, way more fun than playing alone.
3. Seriously, don’t touch the lava.
4. Play with someone that knows what they’re doing. The game can be pretty overwhelming at first, so it’s best to have a guide.
5. I’m not kidding, don’t go near it.
6. If you hold down Shift, you’ll walk really slow, so you can position yourself easier.
7. That isn’t Shift you’re holding, it’s Alt, and you’re WAY too close to the lava.
8. The danger of Creepers isn’t to you. It’s to everything you spent hours building that they’re about to blow away.
9. The fun of the game is all about the new and interesting things you can make, and the crazy mods that come out. Get comfortable with the idea of modding.
10. I told you not to go near the fucking lava. Now look what you’ve done. I’m not making you another suit of armor.
Fuck. This.
