Disney Buys Lucasfilm *insert joke you’ve heard a million times here*

Unless you were hiding under a rock yesterday, and if you are the type of person who reads a site called Dorkadia, you probably heard that George Lucas sold out.  It’s not like he wasn’t a sellout as soon as he graduated from film school, but this time he did it to the tune of 4 billion shekels paid to him by the House that Mickey built.  As of whenever they sign the final paperwork, Disney is going to own Lucasfilm and all of its properties.  That means movies, TV shows, action figures, video games . . . the whole lot.

Marvel, Pixar, ACTUAL Disney properties, and now Star Wars.  I’m not going to make one of the million obvious jokes already floating around the intertubes, but yes, Disney now owns nearly everything you enjoyed as a kid.  If they buy out the rights to Mattel and Hanna-Barbara, my inner child is basically chained in their basement for life.

When I mentioned the sale to my friends, their reactions were almost universally something to the tune of “Ugh.  Fuck childhood memories.  There goes that brand.”  I actually disagree.  I think this is going to be a GOOD thing for nerds everywhere, despite the fact that Disney having a monopoly on our fantasies is a bit squiggly.  Let’s take a look at what we can expect to see, good and bad.

GOOD:  The brand will improve.  Seriously.  Lucas already fucked it up about as bad as it can get.  Episodes 1-3 LITERALLY would have been better if they had Goofy instead of Jar-Jar Binks.  He would have fulfilled the same role in a more entertaining and less blatantly racist way.

GOOD: Disney knows how to keep a film in the fucking vault.  We can probably expect to see Episodes 4-6 get the Disney Classic treatment, where they go into the vault and only rotate out every ten or twenty years.  And when they rotate out, they’ll probably be closer to the originals where Han shot first.  No more slightly shittier and shittier versions released every year.

GOOD: Disney made the Avengers.  Joss Wedon made the Avengers.  Joss Wedon could make Star Wars.

GOOD: The new movies might actually be GOOD.  There was basically no chance of that as long as Lucas was at the helm.  Imagine the effects team of Lucasfilm with a good writer and director.  Nearly every actor in Episodes 1-3 was actually a good actor.  They just had a shit script and shit director to work with.  Replace Lucas with . . . I dunno, fucking ANYONE, and you’ll get a better movie.

PROBABLY BAD: We’ll probably get an actual TV show at some point out of this.  It might not suck.

BAD: Direct to video Star Wars releases.  I’m not super excited about this, but I also think everything in the Extended Universe is a piece of shit, so to each their own piece of shit I guess.  A lot of people like the EU stuff, and they’d probably enjoy that flavor in DvD format.

GOOD: The next Kingdom Hearts will probably be AWESOME.

BAD:  There will inevitably be a Star Wars themed section of Disneyworld.  There is NO way this could possibly be good.  If they replicated the feel of Star Wars at all, on the first day at least a thousand people would fall to their deaths off of high bridges with no guard rails.  It’s inevitable that when I spend my hundred some odd  bucks to visit this themeland, I’m going to walk around and think “This is some weak fucking bullshit” as a Stormtrooper tries to sell me a chocolate milk.

GOOD:  Indiana Jones, bitches.  We could get another Indy movie that is a fun adventure, rather than Lucas fucking it in it’s crystal skull.  Seriously, what were those native guys doing in those walls?  How long were they waiting in there to bust out and attack someone?  Anyway, the chance of another good Indy movie rises dramatically with this aquisition.

BAD:  They’ll probably keep Shia LeBeouf for the next one.

GOOD:  Disney gets Lucasarts.  That means they’ll own Monkey Island.  We might get more Monkey Island.  Or maybe a Monkey Island TV show or movie.  Monkey Island.  Whatever, you get the idea.  Monkey Island.

BAD:  We’re going to see Facebook games for Star Wars and Indy and everything else.

BAD:  They might completely and 100% mistarget/mismarket the new stuff they use this IP for.  Think John Carter.  John Carter should not have flopped as bad as it did – it was an enjoyable movie.  Disney blew it on that one.  Let’s hope that whoever is handling their Marvel stuff also takes on the Lucas stuff.

So, while there are certainly some downsides to the purchase, I think overall there is a lot of positive potential for the future.  When I got up this morning, I could give a fuck less about Star Wars or its brand.  As I write this, I’m actually excited again for the first time since Phantom Menace ended.  Let’s all keep our fingers crossed that they don’t fuck it up.  Monkey Island.