Yes, I know Duke Nukem Forever was released over a year ago. I also know that it was panned heavily by critics which was pretty much why I didn’t spend $60 on it. Thanks to the Steam Summer Sale, I didn’t have to. Sure, I didn’t have to buy it at all, but I figured that I should at least give it a shot and see if it was really as bad a game as it was made out to be.

The short answer here is that Duke Nukem Forever wasn’t a terrible game. The problem is that it wasn’t a great game either. Those were the only two desirable outcomes. Instead, it’s a game with an offensive level of misogyny for the first third of the title sprinkled with even more throughout and a mediocre shooter from start to finish. After 12 years of waiting, that seems to be a tragedy.

Caution: Links to photos may be NSFW. Click at your own risk.

I was thrilled to be among the first to play.

Two years ago, I was at PAX Prime and walked past a large enclosed booth covered in pictures of Duke Nukem. I thought it was a joke at first. Then I heard the whispering that not only was it for Duke Nukem Forever, but that it was actually playable. With that, I spent my Saturday morning waiting with my wife in a three hour long line that never seemed to stop growing. We eventually made it into the booth, listened to a 15 minute pitch about how happy they were to be bringing Duke to PAX and letting gamers get first crack at it. Then we got to play a 15 minute demo of the game identical to the public demo that would be released several months later.

After two years I finally brought myself to pay a small fraction of the original price of DNF to give it a go for myself. To see with my own eyes the full horror that 2K Games and Gearbox Software unleashed upon humanity. I was sadly disappointed.

In homage to the 90’s from which Duke first emerged, I will break this down in the good, the bad, and the ugly just as EGM might have done.

The Good

Mini games are probably the best thing about DNF.

First, the good news: Duke Nukem Forever has some humorous moments. Granted, there aren’t many of them and it’s likely to be highly subjective. Jon St. John does an excellent job returning as the voice of Duke Nukem when you consider the lines he had to deliver. In addition, the original weapons from Duke Nukem 3D are still fun to use in the pursuit of slaughtering aliens. Beyond that, a couple of the mini-games (pool, air hockey, etc) were pretty entertaining. And then there’s… Nope, that’s about it.

The Bad

I’m just going to cover mechanical issues here. This game misses several key things that should be present in a Duke Nukem title. First, while the idea that Duke’s ego is like his shield is oddly appropriate, it’s not fun. Duke should be a badass – running for cover after a couple hits to let your ego recover does not feel badass. Secondly, you’re allowed to carry two guns at any given time. Two guns? Are you serious? Of all the horrible game play choices to make, not letting Duke Nukem be a walking arsenal has to be the worst. Beyond the lack of cool factor, it constantly felt as though I was being forced into changing weapons due to a lack of available ammo. Some of the new weapons themselves were no fun to play such as the rail gun with its 3 shot magazine and 12 max ammo supply. Thirdly was the highly unnecessary vehicular aspects of the game. The vehicles themselves were clunky and only worked toward filling time in between bland combat sequences. Lastly, level design was incredibly lacking. Duke Nukem 3D was a joy to wander through and find alternate paths and hidden areas. Duke Nukem Forever strips that all away and turns into one long hallway with predictable triggered events. The only exploration at all in a level is the short role-playing level in which you are apparently doing sexual RP while you go on a very lame quest.

The Ugly

This game doesn’t reach the level of satire that may have been intended and instead just becomes ugly. The attitude toward women is misogynistic at best and is often almost hateful. When you see a naked woman being absorbed into a writhing phallic pillar (NSFW image), your options are to leave her to her suffering or kill her. Way to be a hero. The bulk of the humor is centered around seeing how many swear words can be fit into any given sentence. In fact, there is an NPC in the game that seems to have been created for that express purpose. Graphically, the game looks as if it should have come out about 5 years ago. The multiplayer feature of the game is completely useless at this point as nobody is still playing it. After several hours of matchmaking, I was only able to play against two other people. And finally there are the attempts at pop culture humor that are so dated that I only groaned when I saw / heard them – like referencing Tombstone for example.

Conclusion

Like the title says, I’d buy it for a dollar. The allure of finally playing a game that took so long to be produced is pretty tempting, but the end result doesn’t live up to even the most base expectation of a modern title. I don’t have a witty quip to end this with at all. Unless you’re a die hard lover of Duke Nukem that could never find fault in any title with that brand and somehow haven’t already bought this, then you probably never should.

To end this on a lighter note, watch the following NSFW clip of Jon St. John reading an excerpt from 50 Shades of Grey:
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5oUa-3W0BFI&version=3&hl=en_US]